Friday, February 28, 2014

Bang a Gong

I worked at KMYZ (Z104.5) in Tulsa in the 80's.

That's back when we played vinyl (aka records).

Behind the broadcasting desk was a wall of bookcases of albums.

If you were a smart DJ, then you pulled all your albums ahead of time.  If you let your stack run out, and a song was ending, and you had not pulled the next album, yet, then the stress of trying to find the album you needed was thrilling.  Alas, if you did not find your next album in time, then there could be dead air.

WE HAD A SECRET WEAPON:  Bang a Gong on cart.

See, commercials were recorded on cartridge -- they looked a lot like 8-track tapes.

We had one, and only one, song on cart.  If you were running out of time, rather than fail to play anything, you grabbed Bang a Gong, slapped it in a player, and clicked the green-for-go button.

What was funny was hearing other DJs resort to Bang a Gong.

ANYWAY, I'm in trouble.  Things are bad.  So....




Sunday, February 23, 2014

2014? Meh.

Goals for 2014:

1. Another haircut -- this time, make it count.
2. Dish soap.
3. Do better job of acting like I'm not whining inside.
4. Figure out some way, some how, to have fun.

I do lots of things that don't bring me joy.  I think that's probably a mistake.  Although it's not exactly obvious where and how to have fun.

My life is a bunch of trying not to let bad things get worse.  Life has gone beyond being just philosophically pointless.

Giving up on wanting to see my children was probably a bad idea, but it was becoming like hoping to win the lottery.  Actually, the lottery pays out way more often.

I am no longer one of my fans.  I'm not a contributor to my campaign.  I'm not one of my readers.  I'm friendly with me, but it's all just common courtesy -- sort of a public duty.

This has been a horrible weekend for several of my friends.  Parents dying.  Houses burning down.

Police in Kiev are shooting unarmed protesters.

I still play Quake...  yay... since 1996.. but I'm down to just trying to do at least as well as I used to do, but that doesn't happen very often as my ability to focus just on the task, and keeping a quiet mind, has been lost somewhere.   I employed Quake to keep an eye on the functioning of my brain.  I can't help but notice that my concentration is lacking.

I miss my babies.  People can't be replaced.

I am a lazy, depressed sack of shit.  :)

I'm spending WAY too much time alone.


Monday, January 13, 2014

Pink Moon's Going to Get Us All

Credit: Mckay68
One of my favorite people blogged: "I'm kind of a pain in my own ass at the moment. If anyone understands the true purpose of a blog, I would be happy to hear what it is.

...

"In these parts Halloween brought with it a big, pink full moon...pink, pink, pink, pink, pink...pink moon's gonna get us all."


Mucho love!

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Lunchtime: Random Update

Rather than watch or read over lunch, I thought I would write the following.

Nacho Kitty.

I have a cat.  She thinks she gets some of my lunch.  She's probably gotten that impression because she is usually presented with some of my lunch.  I'm not sure that was a good idea.

Why blog?

I continue to type words into this thing although my reasons for it these days are completely unclear to me.  It seems self serving.  Heck, my posts to Facebook seem self serving at times, but at least that sort of a discussion -- small talk between (mostly) friends?

At one time, this blog was written so that my children, who don't know me, can know something about what was going on with me.  Now, I'm not sure they care... and then the whole Captain Kirk thing comes to mind -- always supposed to be presenting your best face forward, whatever.

This is the first time since the divorce that I've thought about just letting the dream of knowing my kids go... at least not worrying about repairing anything because I can't fix it and I don't have an opportunity to build a relationship with my children.  My ex, her husband, and the children continue to ignore every attempt I make at communication, so there's nothing I can do.

Giving up did help my general emotional state, but I still miss my kids.  I want to know what's going on with them, what they care about, how they sound.

And, again: Why blog?

This blog is a risk.  It can color someone's impression who I am today with words from whom I was.  That can impact clients' decisions.

But, it seems like being honest makes some sense.

Macaroni and Cheese?

I have a thing for macaroni and cheese.  I always have.  Kraft continues to be the best.  Walmart's brand doesn't suck.  This Walgreens' "Nice" however has really wrong-quality pasta.  It goes wrong.

Girlfriend?

I'm thinking it's best just to give up on that, too.  :)

See, "And, again: Why blog?"

Technically, I'm still married.

Putting everything online?

The novelty of someone documenting absolutely everything probably wore off in 1996.  This keeps coming to mind for me because it seems like if I account publicly for every second of my day, then I'll waste fewer seconds.

This seems like a "just grow up already" problem, but I still intentionally waste time.  And, what makes it worse, is that I don't have anything good on which to waste time... but then if it was something good, then I wouldn't be wasting the time... I would just be slacking off to do something fun.  But I don't really have fun, so this makes no sense.  It seems like the best course of action would be to always use time effectively to maximize income, rather than just listening to the drip from the shower hitting every 1.5 seconds, but if there's no fun in doing the maximizing of the income, and there's no fun in having the income (I mean, as long as I'm sleeping indoors and eating), then there's really no point to having more money (with the possible exception of that day when I cannot work and I have no money in the bank).

AND THEN, when I compare the whole hassle of life against the value I have for my own existence, it all seems pointless anyway.

Yet, I'm not depressed.  At least, I don't feel depressed.  I've been taking anti-depressants...  This stuck position in my thinking is purely thinking.  It's not chemical.

What about value to others?

Yes, that's a good point.  This problem with the value of life thing is just something that I need to work out -- it's hardly a crisis -- been thinking this way since I was little.

Girlfriend?

Yes, I hear you.  Yes...  It does make sense that a companion would improve my life... But I'm such a loner. haha  I'm so selfish about having my time to waste doing nothing.

What was the point again?

See?  There's no point.  :)

Would seeing my kids fix my life?

No.

Would having a girlfriend fix my life?

No.

Would having more money fix my life?

No.

Is there actually something wrong with my life?

Probably not.  Well, except for the obvious challenges.  None of my problems are global warming, thank God.

So why did I write all this?

I don't know.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

I'd like to be a writer, except I don't collect writing into any format for publishing or in any way that my writing can benefit me financially, so being an actual "writer" seems rather far fetched.   See "Wastes Time" (oh, there's no actually section called that... SEE!!)

Mailbox money?

I can actually computer program, yet I have the same issue as I do with writing.  See "Wastes Time."  Switching from a life plan based on exploiting the talent I know I do have for something that I don't know that I might have is ridiculous until this whole use-of-time growth happens.  I've written before that I tend to lose interest after I've figured out how to do something.



I didn't eat much of my lunch.  Eventually, Nacho Kitty moved on without a taste.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Nacho Kitty Got My Phone



A picture like this might make you wonder.  Some would wonder why someone would post a picture like this.  Does this become noise?  Is this another fatiguing message from Planet Joe?

I haven't written many blog things because I've been questioning myself about the value of blogging (Facebooking, Tweeting, any of it) to my state of well being.  Who am I talking to?  Who is this for?

There are pros and cons, costs and benefits, getchas and gotchas in anything.

I've come to the conclusion that you either write or you don't write.

And I'm thinking 2014 is the year of put up or shut up, so I'm going with put up.

So what's the deal with the last three lines?  Are you going to fix this before you click post, Joe?  Talking to yourself in your blog, Joe?

I'm thinking about documenting every personal detail of the progression of my life on the internet... bank account and everything.

And then I think about the impact doing such a thing would have on my life and the lives of others.

And then take a look at the reasons I wouldn't do it as possible excuses or things I'm hiding.  From myself?  There are things that are for me to know and for no one else to know.  Aren't there?  I have numbers and passwords.  But I don't know that I have any real secrets.  And even typing that sentence feels creepy.  Hey, I live alone, but there is decorum.


haha

Wow, Joe... If you want to be a writer, I thinking packaging should be like part of it... organize.

2014


Twenty thirteen finished up with huge improvements in my life and mental health.

I'm working to make this new year is my most productive, yet.


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