I Need a Secret Mission as an Agent of the United States Government

Surely there's something I can do for my country as an agent for the government, representing the people of the United States, in some secret mission abroad, perhaps risking my life and/or my testicles, in order to advance the cause of freedom and/or the economic dominance of my Zionist masters.

My resume:

1. I speak English fluently with either a non-regional accent or with a weird, non-specific European weirdness.
2. I'm not afraid to try unfamiliar foods.
3. Intestinal distress does not freak me out.
4. Willing to bed beautiful, female, foreign agents.
5. Able to tie my shoes under the influence of a number of psycho-active substances.
6. I like to use tiny cameras.
7. I'm exactly the kind of extreme slacker that foreign governments think they can recruit and I have the credit report to prove it.

I need a mission in life: I've already made the perfect nacho.


** You may be thinking that I need to stop complaining.  I assure you that I don't complain like this in public.  This blog, you can ignore.  I don't pollute people's ears when they're kind enough to bring their ears near to me.

I'm Not So Much

From time to time people express their concern about what I write, or rather, how I'm feeling based on what I write...

I don't write how I'm really feeling, folks... I exaggerate everything.

If I say, "I'm fine," I'm exaggerating.

If I say, "I'm angry," I'm exaggerating.

If I say, "I'm going to kill myself," I'm exaggerating.

I would happily kill myself, if there was a feasible way to make myself do it.  :)

You see?!?!  I said I can't kill myself.

Am I really that angry at #1??

I've said it before:

I'm not really angry.  It hurts my feelings that she went around town telling people I tried to kill her.

It hurts my feelings that keeping me from the kids is part of doing business when she knows I would never kill them.  Hell, I'm not even capable of killing myself and I don't kill insects when I don't have to.

Just a couple of weeks ago I made an argument not to suck up a bug in a vacuum cleaner because it would have been horrible.  My friend asked, "Horrible?"  "For the bug."  She pretty much laughed at me.

I'm disappointed in myself for, I guess, making life so horrible for #1 that she decided to let me hang myself.

But I know I hung myself.

I'm not surprised though.  This is the woman that after saying her vows told me that if I lost a limb in an accident that she'd have to divorce me because it would be just too disgusting for her to live with.

A fine woman.